MELBOURNE — The 49ers just flew 16 hours across the globe just to feel right at home.
Australia and California are parallel universes in so many ways. Both are on the Pacific Ocean. Both have famous bays. Both had gold rushes around the same time. Both make great coffee and wine. Both have similar weather and climates. Both are English-speaking countries.
But the more time you spend down under, the more you see all the little differences between Australia and California. Little differences that are thrilling.
Here are the five biggest little differences between the two places.
1. Australians are friendlier than Californians.
When Australians say, “G’day, mate,” they mean, “G’day, mate.” When Californians say, “Hey, good to see you,” they might mean, “Get out of my face.” It’s impossible to know. Californians tend to say everything with the same smile and are deathly afraid of saying no or making conversation with strangers (except the Californians who have parents from New York. Those are the cool Californians).
Australians seem genuinely eager to meet strangers, particularly Americans who never have experienced their country. And Australians can laugh at themselves, as opposed to Californians, who take their lives and their teams so seriously.
2. Australians don’t appreciate ketchup like Californians do.
Australians have Heinz ketchup in their grocery stores, and they make good French fries (they call them chips), but if you go to a restaurant or a pub and ask for ketchup, the waiter or bartender will give you a funny look and say, “We have tomato sauce. It’s kind of like ketchup.” Which is true. It is kind of like ketchup. It’s like a tangy, sweet, bad version of ketchup. And they think this is better than Heinz, which is hard to believe, considering Americans won’t accept anything other than Heinz. And I’m pretty sure Ranch dressing doesn’t even exist here. But Australia does have good mustard and tartar sauce.
3. Australia has better wildlife than California.
We have squirrels, and Australia doesn’t. That’s a fact. And squirrels are cute. But I would trade the entire squirrel species plus two first-round picks to Australia for koalas and kangaroos in a heartbeat. Squirrels are overrated. They’re the Marcus Bontempelli of animals.
4. California has better urinals than Australia.
In California, most of the time you’ll get a partition for privacy. I like a good partition. In Australia, usually you’ll just stand on a grate and face a wall while other people stand next to you. Then you try to do your business. Keep in mind, the drain is underneath the grate, which is directly underneath your shoes. Have fun.
5. Australians are nicer to their top athletes than Californians are.
In California, or really anywhere in America, we love to tear down our best pro athletes. If you’re the top basketball player in the world, too bad, you’re not as good as Michael Jordan was. Or if you’re an elite quarterback, too bad, you’re overrated because you didn’t win the Super Bowl last season. Or you’re overrated because you DID win the Super Bowl last season and your team carried you. Or you’re a system quarterback. Or you’re not worth your contract.
Every great athlete is overrated in America — at least, that’s what we say.
In Australia, the best athletes are sacred. For example, everyone agrees that Marcus Bontempelli is the best Australian Rules Football player even though he failed to carry the Western Bulldogs to victory over the Adelaide Crows in an elimination match a few days ago. Obviously, one game doesn’t define a career, and one player can’t single-handedly beat an entire team. But in America, media personalities would have spent days tearing Bontempelli to shreds for falling short when it mattered most.
Fortunately, I’m not like that. I’m an Australian at heart. I would never disrespect The Bont.
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