Kaia Gerber Says She Wishes Presley Gerber “Hadn’t Gone First”

“I came into this world with a white-knuckle grip around you,” she added, “i had more love for you than i knew what to do with. and now that it has nowhere obvious to go, i’m certain it’s going to swallow me whole.”

And while the Shards actress praised how Presley was the “ultimate teacher” who “always went first” before his sister, she hoped this time it was different.

“I keep thinking about how when we were little,” Kaia wrote, “i got scared before getting my ears pierced, so you went first.”

“But when i held the earring they took from your body, all i could think was: that belongs to you,” she continued. “and i really f–king wish you hadn’t gone first this time.”

And though Kaia shared her life is forever changed following the devastating loss of her brother, her love for Presley will never go away.

“To say loving you was the easiest thing in the world would imply that it required any effort at all,” she wrote. “i was born loving you. i will die loving you. there was never anything else.”

But now, the Palm Royale actress is struggling to continue on without her best friend.

“I am learning how to love you when i cannot see you,” Kaia explained, “how to tell you something without picking up my phone to call you. how to be your sister in a world that i can’t reach for you in.”

As she noted, “I don’t know how to do that yet.”

But despite losing Presley, Kaia would “choose it all over again” for the years she had with her brother.

“I would walk knowingly toward this grief,” she wrote, “if it meant that on the other side of it i got to be your sister.”

While Kaia emphasized that the “party sucks so bad without” Presley, she’ll always hold him closet to her heart.

“My best buddy, my great protector,” she wrote, “the hardest i’ve ever laughed and the one true love of my life—you lit all of my candles and took all of my monsters away. and i love you. and i love you. and i love you. only you know how much. thank you for being here.”

Alongside her emotional tribute, Kaia captioned her post, “i love you the bluest, to the moon and back and back again, forever big brother.”

For a look back at Presley’s sweet moments with Kaia and their family, keep reading…